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1
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How
to Side Step Control:
Never set a predictable schedule of visits to your parent.
Traffic happens, life happens. If mom expects you at 3:00
and you arrive at 3:45, she may have decided you are dead,
neglectful, or both. If mom is upset, regardless of the
rational base, you feel guilty. Guilt is a major style
of control. It is better to call right before you arrive
to be sure she is home, than to be expected, and late.
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2
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How
to Set a Boundary:
A boundary lets me decide how far someone is going
to come into my life. No matter what the request
upon your personal time, respond by saying, "let
me look at my calendar and get back to you." This
gives you time to think and allows you break the "knee
jerk" reaction that can pattern itself into every
request.
Stress is what happens when your inner voice says "NO!"
And your mouth says, "of course, I would be happy
to…"
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3
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Coping
with Siblings in a Family Crisis:
Step back and observe yourself for a moment. A family
celebration or a family crisis can bring up old childhood
patterns of behavior. It is a "time warp" that
makes us twelve years old again. Stop reacting long enough
to remember who you are, then share the "time warp"
phenomenon with your siblings. Soon you will identify the
"time warp" discomfort as soon as it happens,
reacting with a knowing smile, rather than feeling angry
and diminished. |
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4
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Coping with One More Doctor Story:
Illness is the battleground of old age. Post
Traumatic Stress Disorder is a response to this battle.
Older people talk to work through the trauma of their
losses. When we listen, we are being naturally therapeutic.
If we understand where the obsession with illness, doctors
and negativity is coming from, it will be much easier
to set aside our impatience and be part of the therapeutic
process.
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5
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Coping
with Negative Feelings:
People are rarely upset about the incident to which they
are reacting. Underneath anger and frustration you will
almost always find fear and disappointment. Overload happens
when layers of anger and frustration become so deep we can
barely cope. If we can identify each layer as it happens,
even if we can't do anything about it, the layers will be
less likely to bury us. We are not really angry at mom's
denial of her forgetfulness; we miss the mom we have always
known. |
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Read On
– Your Parents Have To Cope Too:
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1
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How
to Side Step Control:
Are
your children micro-managing your life? Feeling
responsible for a fragile parent is not unlike bringing
our first baby home from the hospital. That baby
isn’t going to break, but it takes time to figure that
out. Adult children can hover over their parents
obsessively. Micro-managers try to anticipate your every
need, which can cause you to feel old before your time.
Remind them there is no need to “fix something that isn’t
broken yet”. Your spirit of independence will inspire
them and you will thrive on your increased self-confidence.
When you really need help they will be there for you.
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2
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You Can
Put Yourself First:
No one knows your energy level
better than you.
When your four great grandchildren or your sister who
talks non-stop want to come by for a visit, take a minute
to look at your calendar. If you have an activity
the day before and the day following their visit, ask
them to come by when your schedule will allow you to rest
for a day after they leave. It is all right to put
your needs first. If you don’t, who will?
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3
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Coping
with your children in a Family Crisis:
Don’t expect them to act like
adults. A
family celebration or a family crisis can bring up old
childhood patterns of behavior. It is a “time warp” that
makes your children twelve years old again. When
their bickering is upsetting you, help them by identify
the “time warp”. Tell them they are acting just
like they did when they were kids and that it is perfectly
natural for that to happen when a central member of the
family is in crisis. Refer them to the Sibling chapter
in my book.
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4
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Losses
Require Attention.
You talk to work through the
trauma of your losses.
If you survived a plane crash, you would tell everyone
you know every tiny detail of the experience and keep
on talking about it until you had worked through the trauma.
The same is true about the loss of a loved one, and loss
of driver’s license or the loss of mobility. When you
are sad or worried, be sad and worried. The best
thing you can do for your body is to feel and express
what is happening to you. Studies show that your
immune system does not work as well when you are suppressing
your emotions. Have a good cry, it’s OK.
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5
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Handling
the Sensitive Topic of Money.
Your money belongs to you.
When asked about his will, Somerset Maugham is quoted
as saying, “Being of sound mind, I spent it”. Spend
your money to support the quality of life you desire.
If there is money left over to leave to the children and
grandchildren, great. When an adult child questions
the expenses of a cognitively functioning parent, a great
reply is: “I have been saving 50 years for a rainy
day. It’s raining”. That is a gentle way to
establish who owns your money. Unless you are suffering
from dementia, you have the final word.
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