life happens. If mom expects you at 3:00 and you arrive at 3:45, she may have decided you are dead, neglectful, or both. If mom is upset, regardless of the rational base, you feel guilty. Guilt is a major style of control. It is better to call right before you arrive to be sure she is home, than to be expected, and late.

No matter what the request upon your personal time, respond by saying, "let me look at my calendar and get back to you." This gives you time to think and allows you break the "knee jerk" reaction that can pattern itself into every request.

Stress is what happens when your inner voice says "NO!" And your mouth says, "of course, I would be happy to."

A family celebration or a family crisis can bring up old childhood patterns of behavior. It is a "time warp" that makes us twelve years old again. Stop reacting long enough to remember who you are, then share the "time warp" phenomenon with your siblings. Soon you will identify the "time warp" discomfort as soon as it happens, reacting with a knowing smile, rather than feeling angry and diminished.

Post Traumatic Stress Disorder is a response to this battle. Older people talk to work through the trauma of their losses. When we listen, we are being naturally therapeutic. If we understand where the obsession with illness, doctors and negativity is coming from, it will be much easier to set aside our impatience and be part of the therapeutic process.

Underneath anger and frustration you will almost always find fear and disappointment. Overload happens when layers of anger and frustration become so deep we can barely cope. If we can identify each layer as it happens, even if we can't do anything about it, the layers will be less likely to bury us. We are not really angry at mom's denial of her forgetfulness; we miss the mom we have always known.

Feeling responsible for a fragile parent is not unlike bringing our first baby home from the hospital. That baby isn't going to break, but it takes time to figure that out. Adult children can hover over their parents obsessively. Micro-managers try to anticipate your every need, which can cause you to feel old before your time. Remind them there is no need to "fix something that isn't broken yet". Your spirit of independence will inspire them and you will thrive on your increased self-confidence. When you really need help they will be there for you.

When your four great grandchildren or your sister who talks non-stop want to come by for a visit, take a minute to look at your calendar. If you have an activity the day before and the day following their visit, ask them to come by when your schedule will allow you to rest for a day after they leave. It is all right to put your needs first.

A family celebration or a family crisis can bring up old childhood patterns of behavior. It is a "time warp" that makes your children twelve years old again. When their bickering is upsetting you, help them by identify the "time warp". Tell them they are acting just like they did when they were kids and that it is perfectly natural for that to happen when a central member of the family is in crisis. Refer them to the Sibling chapter in my book.

If you survived a plane crash, you would tell everyone you know every tiny detail of the experience and keep on talking about it until you had worked through the trauma. The same is true about the loss of a loved one, and loss of driver's license or the loss of mobility. When you are sad or worried, be sad and worried. The best thing you can do for your body is to feel and express what is happening to you. Studies show that your immune system does not work as well when you are suppressing your emotions. Have a good cry, it's OK.

When asked about his will, Somerset Maugham is quoted as saying, "Being of sound mind, I spent it". Spend your money to support the quality of life you desire. If there is money left over to leave to the children and grandchildren, great. When an adult child questions the expenses of a cognitively functioning parent, a great reply is: "I have been saving 50 years for a rainy day. It's raining". That is a gentle way to establish who owns your money. Unless you are suffering from dementia, you have the final word.

Reprint by permission of the author.